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Nearly every man, at some time in his life, has been with an obnoxious friend who asked him what he’d do for $1 million. Invariably the provided options are unappealing. Would you fuck another dude? Would you go down on Rosie O Donnel? Would you jerk off in church in the middle of a sermon?

Depending on how gross your friends are, the examples can get far more extreme. I’m trying to pretend like I’m still a half decent human being, so I won’t go any further with mine. But what aside, it’s a sort of challenge to the very fiber of your being to ponder what you’d do. How far would you go. But what if the shoe was on the other foot?

What if you had access to limitless funds? How much would you pay for sex? What if you knew there was a chance you’d get caught? And all that money wasn’t exactly yours, what then? Most of us would probably say “no thanks” and move on. Most of us. But not everyone thinks that way. Take, for instance, Sung Kyu Chung. A 41 year old banker from Sydney Australia who dropped about $7 million on prostitutes.

Try, if you can, to imagine how much fucking you can get for $7 million. That this man still has a penis and a pelvis that hasn’t been shattered is either a testament to his prowess or an example of how this dude has no idea how to properly spend money.

Over the course of 7 years, Chung made off with $7.2 million over 77 transactions. Not all the money went to prostitutes, it’s just assumed most of it did, either as payment or in the form of lavish gifts. No doubt he was the favorite customer of a lot of girls.

Apparently Chung would just use computers to transfer cash from clients’ accounts into his own, then cover his ass by making up fake computer and accounts records that made it seem like they were all overseas transactions to confuse anyone who looked into it. However, $7 million in missing funds is going to raise more eyebrows than can be swept under any rug with confusing records and so when the accounts were audited, the shit hit the fan.

But really, just try to imagine what that must have been like. What could you do with $7 million, in Thailand no less? Based on current market values, and let’s say he did 11 transactions a year and maybe yanked out $100,000 a pop, that’s like one full month with three girls and change left over, every single month for seven years.

The details haven’t fully come to light, and odds are Chung was buying cars, houses and jewelry along the way, but supposing you had the funds, what would you do? Or who, for that matter?

Apparently filmmakers have been trying to put Pretty Woman 2 together for some years. You remember Pretty Woman, right? Horribly rich Richard Gere picks up Julia Roberts on the street and they fall in rich love? What am I saying, of course you remember it. It probably happens to you every time you see a hooker.

So yeah, the movie won over audiences who appreciate hookers that don’t have pimps, sores, VD or crippling crack addictions but do attract suave, personable rich men in need of companionship. It was a pretty accurate portrayal of street prostitution, by and large. So it’s no wonder they wanted a sequel. Unfortunately, Julia has said that, seeing as she’s 42, it’s just now going to happen. See, no one wants to see an old hooker.

The mind boggles a bit at this position, but it’s possible Julia Roberts is being so ultra-clever she need not acknowledge any of the million and one things that were already fucked up about the premise of Pretty Woman that would discount her age as being a problem in a potential sequel. Honestly, it was a feel-good romantic comedy about a woman, working street corners, who finds love with a rich Richard Gere. And she looks like Julia Roberts. Are you fucking kidding?

It’s entirely possible the screenwriter of Pretty Woman would tackle the war on terror by making Osama bin Laden a hard-to-get geologist played by Catherine Zeta-Jones and George Bush a debonair cowboy played by Brad Pitt. Clearly this whole movie came from so far out of left field as to represent reality in the most strained ways. Yes, she was a woman, yes he was a man. That part makes sense and that’s about where it ends.

Really though, it might have been nice to see a sequel to Pretty Woman. Maybe in this one Roberts could be a she-pimp, and her stable of ladies could include Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman and Megan Fox. And they’d all get picked up one night by the Jonas Brothers, playing themselves, and be taken to a magical ball where Jim Cramer gives accurate stock tips, President Obama unites Republican and Democrats and Tiger Woods doesn’t fuck anyone he’s not married to. It’d be amazing.

Hopefully Roberts will reconsider given all the possibilities that could be gleaned from the role of an early 40’s hooker with a heart of gold. Maybe she could team up with George Clooney to rob Andy Garcia. Or she could wear trashy clothes and work for a lazy-ass lawyer to uncover a massive case of corporate corruption in a wicked class-action lawsuit. Or, you know, something like that. It’d be cool, you know it would. Hollywood can’t make a bad movie these days. Maybe Michael Bay could direct it and at the end Richard Gere would get blown up by a robot dinosaur.

In fact, I’m going to give that idea away for free. Michael Bay, if you’re out there, start putting the wheels in motion. Make this movie happen.

I discovered the enigmatic escort who goes by the name Alexa DiCarlo when I came across her blog, The Real Princess Diaries, a well written blow by blow of the trials and tribulations of a young VIP escort working the bay area. The blog was more than merely an “Academia by day, sex worker by night” autobiography. It contained not only rich, intimate details of this young woman’s racy life, but also in-depth commentary on just about everything relating to the escort milieu. Topics ranged from the distinction between a GFE and a PSE to her draft of a "revolutionary" Provider’s Code of Ethics.

I found her content engrossing so I subscribed to her blog, followed her on twitter, facebook, myspace and the whole gamut of social sites. On occasion I’d even exchange a private message or two with this increasingly famous voice of the escort community.

I can recall one exchange on twitter where we were talking about little black dresses and she sent me a picture of herself, where she sports a rather elegant LBD. In another exchange, I asked her to add her profile to Naughty Reviews. In her reply she said that she had disdain for reviews and review sites and would not add a profile to NR, believing that such information is meant to be kept private between the hobbyist and provider. Fair enough, I thought. We exchanged links and, on occasion, shared a tweet.

I was always intrigued by her beauty and intellect and made a point to add her booking site to my list of favorites. If ever I were to find myself in her area, I would certainly like to meet the compelling, tenacious Alexa DiCarlo.

I hadn’t thought about the high end hottie for a while until recently, when rumors concerning her veracity began to spread. It appears that the photos she used in the gallery of her booking site were stolen from a cam girl named “Blue Eyed Cass”. No! Could the pictures I have of Alexa, my Alexa in the little black dress, actually be pictures of this cam girl? To my surprise, sadly, they were indeed pictures stolen from “Blue Eyed Cass”.

Alexa was not real. She was a person playing a game. While her words rang true, in reality she was not a sex worker fighting for the rights of her ilk, but a charlatan toying with the minds of good people who were searching for a kindred soul. Well, I must say, she was pretty convincing.

The scandalous Alexa DiCarlo situation serves only to enforce the importance of the escort review platform. It’s certainly telling that “she” rejected the notion of escort reviews. While every provider has the right to not support review sites, every potential client has the right to refrain from pursuing an escort who isn't reviewed by his peers. It’s a complicated world we live in, and the truth is hard to find.

In all honesty this entire blog exists solely because of the title, because rarely will you ever get to title something “nuns vs strippers” and actually keep it factually based. Nuns and strippers just don’t throw down and battle nearly as often as logic and good sense dictate they should. Shame, really.

Back to the UK, and a club in the pleasantly named Uckfield decided its business would be better served if there were boobies present. And it’s true, science shows that 99% of businesses improve with the addition of boobies. Those that fail generally involve large men and/or the very elderly. No one wants to see man boob and desiccated elderly nipple unless they have to.

Anyway, not everyone approves of the presence of tit, and that includes the nuns from the convent down the street from the club, which makes this one of the coolest neighborhoods on earth. Strippers and ladies of the cloth? Awesome porn plot in the making right there, kids.

Officially the club is only allowed to host striptease nights at private functions, like stag parties. But they were rejected on their bid to stay open until 4 in the morning, because apparently that’s just too much boob.

The nuns, however, are still not happy as a lot of college kids frequent that area and as one nun said "Can we suppose that the dancing entertainment and films are going to be Morris Men and Julie Andrews?" Seriously, a nun said that. Nuns are a right. And they have their fingers on the pulse of a generation, because lord knows we need to steer college kids away from nudity and towards Julie Andrews. Though in fairness, Julie Andrews did appear topless in the 1981 movie S.O.B. Maybe the nuns missed that one.

But the nuns didn’t get their way in this case and the strippers will be allowed to carry on with their stripping and such which means these two diametrically opposed universal forces are going to have to live together and, again, if porn has taught us nothing else, it’s that there’s plenty of potential for nuns to be hot if they just wear stockings and garters under their habits and maybe defile each other in their spare time, so long as they’re all in their mid-20s and unspeakably hot. Busty wouldn’t hurt either, but we’re not going to insist or anything. Just saying is all.

For our part, in the world beyond quaint Uckfield, this gives us a chance to pause and reflect on the nature of strip clubs, or more specifically their geography. A night of fun can be made infinitely more amusing depending on what’s within drunken stumbling distance of the club, when you think about it. How much fun could be had if convents were down the street from all strip clubs? How many strippers would be inspired to dress as nuns? It’s not one of the most popular fetishes in the world, but if my Google searching has taught me nothing else tonight it’s that there is at least a minority of people out there who really want to see nuns bare assed naked.

Something to think about, anyway.

Nothing beats a good study on prostitution, if for no other reason than they all have slightly different results and that’s amusing. With that in mind, let’s peruse the latest one from the UK and see what useful knowledge can be gleaned from the sexual habits of our European brothers.

According to the cleverly titled “Tackling Demand for Prostitution”, 2.4 million adult men have paid for sex, and 870,000 of them are regular customers. This works out to 10% of the male population paying for sex, which isn’t bad. It’s higher than some studies and lower than others and fits right in the slot that says “statistics become less and less helpful the more of them you see.” On the upside, this study is actually born from other studies, 181 previous studies in fact, so you know it’s a winner. It’s also remarkably meta. Can we do studies based solely on studies now? Completely avoiding the actual thing you’re studying and instead just focusing on the studies others made of that study? Isn’t that cheating? Anyway…

For this study, the results suggest more than half of hobbyists are either married or in a fairly stable relationship. Naturally this stat is given near the top of most articles that have reported on it in the media, because after the sheer bulk numbers, journalists like to hit you with a little shock and awe. Grandma and her sewing circle no doubt choked on their tea and crumpets when they learned that ever so many married fellows are soliciting the talents of ladies of ill repute.

In terms of the fat cash, it looks like prostitution in the UK is worth £3.84billion a year. That’s in the neighborhood of $6 billion US. That’s pretty impressive, especially in light of their next fact that most guys are only paying £60, which seems like a discount fee if ever there was one.

From the ladies’ perspective, there are about 80,000 of them who see 15 clients a week, pulling in that £60 a pop, so to speak. That works out to over $1,400 US a week. And people wonder why the sex trade attracts so many workers. How’s a McJob supposed to compete with that?

So now, again, for the 182nd time, people are aware of the numbers behind prostitution and apparently ready to tackle the issue. The UK already has a law in place that will fine men $1,000 if they’re caught paying for sex from a woman who has been trafficked or pimped (which, presumably, will be a boon for all those independent ladies), so now what? They’re apparently dealing with a “problem” that, statistically and reasonably, is hypocritically being enjoyed by some of the law makers enacting these laws, the people writing the studies and all the shocked people being informed about it, not to mention the journalists covering it. All of whom should be well aware of this news now that it’s been published 182 friggin’ times.

Maybe this study doesn’t provide any more insight into the hobby at all, or laws, or behaviors. How could it? But it does go to show people like their numbers, they like titillation and, big surprise, people like sex. Studies and statistics are amazing.

It would be an unfair statement to say that politicians frequent prostitutes more than the rest of the population. For one, it’s probably not true. For another, I have no statistics to back that up. However, it is fair to say that it gets reported far more often when politicians visit prostitutes than when just your average joe does. The media loves a political sex scandal. And what’s cooler than a political sex scandal? One in which the politician goes above and beyond in terms of embarrassing situations, and then doesn’t seem to care. Such is the case with David Vitter.

Vitter is a Republican who espouses family values and other assorted things, which makes his case funnier, because hypocrisy is the cherry on a sex scandal sundae. That’s why everyone likes it when televangelists get caught out as dirty liars. And this isn’t to slam Republicans as having a conservative stance in life is perfectly reasonable and acceptable – just don’t go around paying for sex in secret if you pretend to condemn that sort of thing in public is all.

So Vitter get caught up in a scandal when it was revealed his name was on the DC Madam’s client list. Oops. Rather than give up his senate seat, he merely held a press conference explaining he’d asked for forgiveness from his wife and God, and received it. That’s super convenient. And then he opted to go back to work, because why resign when God’s on your side?

In an effort to escape the press conference, the man even back over a stop sign trying to get out of the parking lot and avoid questions. But what was he trying to avoid, exactly? Aren’t these sex scandals all common place now? Usually, yes…usually.

Vitter has a diaper fetish. Word has it he paid escorts to make him wear diapers. That’s his thing. And again, that’s cool. Just don’t stay as a US Senator when the world knows you get off on wearing diapers.

Amazingly it seems like Vitter is about to be re-elected over his Democratic counterpart meaning one of two things – he’s got a huge pro-hooker backing or his supporters, who must also support his staunch conservative standpoint, are as full of shit and/or as ignorant as he is and simply don’t know or don’t care who they’re supporting. Either way, it’s an amazing statement about politics today. But more importantly for us, since this isn’t a political blog, but a blog about sex and the sex industry, it shows that people really do want to pay for sex. All the talk of how it would be the decay of society of prostitution were legalized and all the myriad of arguments against it, that’s all lip service, man. It’s the smokescreen that conservatives need to put up just because it’s expected of them. They don’t believe it. This dude pays to get fucked in diapers! And he’s 18 points ahead in recent polls. People want to pay for diaper play. They want fisting and the shocker and strap on play. They want it all. We just have to pretend we don’t know they want it. Prostitution may be the key to political harmony in this country.

As a hobbyist, you have a lot of things to be concerned about. As hobbies go, you’d be a lot safer collecting stamps or playing World of Warcraft. The downside of those is rarely, if ever, do stamps give blowjobs, even if you find a super real one. And World of Warcraft is eerily addictive. People have lost jobs and families over it. So it’s kind of like the hobby in that way, now that I think about it. But I digress…

If you’re a fan of paying for sex, you need to worry about things like protection. Because, honestly, you never know. Pregnancy is what happens if you get lucky. Unlucky is any of a variety of crotch-crippling diseases you’d best do without. You need to worry about law enforcement because they have whole units of cops set up to arrest folks like you, and your lady friend. You even have to worry about neighborhood vigilantes who will film you and try to publicly shame you if they catch you.

On top of that, if you’re a family man or a person with a reputation to uphold, you have to worry about what happens if someone finds out. Many men have been brought down in sex scandals, from losing wives to losing government jobs and on and on. It’s a hobby that can definitely fuck you in more way than one.

So it’s probably not comforting to know that, on top of all the other shit you already worry about, you need to keep your eyes and ears open for anything that seems a little fishy. And what constitutes fishy? Three dudes waiting for you when you go to meet the girl.

A New Jersey man had arranged to meet a woman online and they hammered out $150 for an hour of fun. He shows up at the hotel and there are three guys waiting for him who say they’re cops. Shit.

So far, this isn’t super unusual. Cops pull stings all the time and honestly, if you’re using Craigslist to meet a girl, you’re almost begging to get busted. So the three cops frisk the guy and take his $150, then search his car. They tell him to stay off his computer and that they’ll be watching him and court papers will be coming for him. In the mail. Anyone who’s ever heard of police before may have found this suspicious. Because, you know, usually cops don’t take your money and then let you go after they catch you in the process of committing a crime.

So the guy goes to his car and notices that $50 is missing from his glove box. So he just got fleeced for $200 and got no sex out of it. At this point, he realized something was afoot, and called some real cops.

Lord knows what the guys who committed the crime were thinking, we can only assume they thought their victim wouldn’t call because he had been trying to pay for sex at the time, but he did, and the three men and one woman were arrested. No word on if the guy who called was arrested or not.

So be careful out there, kids. Police think there are probably more victims as it is highly likely others would be too afraid to call cops, which means at least 4 people in the world thought preying on hobbyists would be a good idea. Play smart.

Every year, people decide to prognosticate what’s going to go down for the next 12 months. More often than not they’re wrong because, you know, psychics aren’t real. But sometimes the sun shines on a dog’s ass and they get one or two right, as some things are as predictable human nature. And with that in mind, let’s take some time out to make some sex predictions for 2010 based on nothing more than intuition, a dirty mind and maybe one or two hopes.

• Someone else will say they fucked Tiger Woods
• A celebrity sex tape will “accidentally” get released
• A politician somewhere will get caught having sex out of wedlock/with a man/with a hooker
• Someone will file a lawsuit against a strip club for an utterly ridiculous reason
• There will be a porn parody of Avatar (if there isn’t one already)
• A women’s magazine will offer sex advice that is so offbase any man who reads it will either laugh or cringe at its stupidity
• The same will be done in a men’s magazine
• Escorts will offer freebies for internet bloggers
• They will also email many nudie pics to the same bloggers
• A video game will be released that features awesomely realistic sex and will be accused of being evil by some uptight fucker somewhere
• A stripper will decide she no longer wants to dance to Whitesnake
• A massage parlor will put someone called “Tiger’s Wood” on the menu; 8 different women will come in and jerk you off, then the last one will beat you with a golf club
• Someone will pay for a Sarah Palin sex robot
• You will have to live with the knowledge that Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman probably still have sex
• Someone on the internet will upload a video worse than “2 Girls 1 Cup” (Yes, I know several already exist, but I refuse to acknowledge them)
• One of you people reading this will visit an escort and when you do you will think of me

We’ve addressed this issue before, but sometimes when new info raises its head, we have to take a second look. And this time it’s some interesting stuff.

Typically, the image of a man who frequents prostitutes is some lonely degenerate. Various agencies try to convince the public at large most of these men are violent and dangerous, which is why it’s so dangerous for prostitutes. Of course, no one likes to acknowledge the distinction between street prostitution and run ins with people on those same streets, and escorts. That makes it too complicated for today’s media.

However, a sociologist in Canada decided it was time to discuss the issue with some men, and see what kind of man pays for sex. He interviewed 1,000 men who have paid for sex, ranging in age from 19 to 85, to find out what sort of person, on average, we’re talking about.

As you read this, hopefully there should be no surprises. As an escort or a hobbyist, this is about you and the people you deal with every day. So what kind of person are you?

According to the results of the survey, the average age was 42. About 50% of the men in question were married and more than 40% had a Bachelor’s degree.

The study is involved in a documentary and, surprise, the end result and point seems to be that there is no specific kind of guy who pays for sex. It can be anyone, for any reason.

The problem is the media, and maybe society as a whole, likes things to be as simple as possible. That’s why the saying “black or white” exists, because it’s easy to understand things if we only have two equal and opposite views. Either a thing is this way, or that way. The more layered it gets, the harder it is to understand, and who the hell wants that? So pop culture says to us that degenerates visit prostitutes and good boys have relationships.

So it turns out the men who pay for sex are all kinds of men. Some haven’t had success in relationships, some prefer the convenience, some are jaded against traditional relationships, some just like uncomplicated sex, some aren’t happy in their relationships and some are happy but want something more. As many reasons as there are men.

Indeed, if you sit back and look through popular culture in the past decades, you’ll notice the tacitly accepted trend, especially in film and comedy, that says men are simple. We’re idiots who are easily trained like dogs. We’re uncomplicated and only want to eat, sleep and fuck. If anyone made similar claims about women, it would be ripped apart, but the claims about men are fairly unnoticed, because no one cares. But they don’t change the truth. There’s a lot more going on than black or white, and there are a lot more reasons why someone pays for sex than they’re horny and can’t get a girlfriend.

Finally, someone else knows that.

Numbers sell newspapers faster than anything else. A story about a war will bore people if it’s simply covering the details of motivations, maneuvers and strategies. Talk about how many people died and you’re appealing to the morbid, and no one does that better than the press. Likewise, you can talk about sex, but if you break out the numbers, you’re really getting interesting. That’s why threesomes and 69 are so popular.

Knowing this as journalists do, some curious types in the UK decided to conduct yet another survey on sex. Specifically, they wanted to know about paying for sex and then they slapped those numbers on a page for us to marvel at, because everyone loves knowing what percentage of their neighbors may or may not have paid a stranger to taste their genitals.

According to this latest survey, one in 10 dudes has paid for sex, compared to 1 in 100 women. Honestly, 1 in 100 women is kind of impressive, but that was obviously not the focus of the article, it was the one in 10 guys. The news is, naturally presented in a ton that suggests it’s amazing and shocking.

More amusing for us is that it mentions how many men have signed up for dating sites for the purpose of meeting women for sex, about the same as those who have paid for it. This survey was apparently conducted by people who don’t realize that 10% is closer to the number of men who didn’t sign up to find a woman for sex. You need to take the liars into account in surveys like these.

Anyway, further in the survey we learned that more than 50% of respondents are in favor of legalizing prostitution, which is really the significant aspect of this whole thing. When it comes to numbers, that’s the truly impressive one. In fact, 51% of people were supportive of making it legal while only 22% were opposed to that. Sure, there’s always the possibility the survey was conducted against all odds in the most whorish parts of the country, but that aside those are impressive numbers. If this issue were brought to a vote, there’s a good chance prostitution would become legalized in the UK.

Closer to home, we have to realize the significance of something like this would be a long time coming. The US is often behind Europe in terms of overall progression and development. The US was founded by people who couldn’t handle the way Britain was run, after all. People too uptight for tea and crumpets.

Obviously we’ve come a long way and many progressive ideas come out of the US, but the climate of the country as a whole sways very conservative. But the same could have been said for the UK not too long again. Times change.

Maybe this is just another insignificant survey. The numbers in support of prostitution were only 51%. Maybe it means nothing, it’s just more pseudo-shock news to titillate an audience. Or maybe it’s another step on the road towards Western civilization finally loosening its sphincter a bit.