In the great variety of sexual services and entertainment available to us, few things will ever border the fence between legitimate and illicit as massage parlors. Escorts may seem like girlfriends and strip clubs may seem like regular bars, but the subtle differences are there. Massage parlors on the other hand exist in the curious world of massage therapy wherein at any moment you could find yourself ready for a tug job and instead on the receiving end of a deep tissue massage in your ass from a dude named Sven.

Not all of us are comfortable just coming out and saying to a woman we’d like them to fondle our nutsack and sing Christmas carols or whatever. Sometimes we just hope we’re in the right place for that kind of thing to go down. But massage parlors, by and large, like to operate under the cloak of secrecy. They’re like the Batman of sexual services, in disguise and doling out sticky justice to all who deserve it. Or something like that.

So say a new massage joint opens up in town and you want to find out if this is a legit business or if they front for a little rub and tug on the side. If you can’t outright ask and are mildly afraid of some undercover cop busting your ass for enjoying such nefarious hobbies, there may be ways to tell if you’re in the right place.

Ø      Look for Sven. Do you see him? Do you see any large, European men who want to give you a rub down? If you do, you may have entered a legit massage therapy establishment. Alternately, Sven will be willing to touch your penis and it’s up to you if you want to travel that road or not.

Ø      Check out the clients. Who’s going in and out of this place? Is it dudes like you or are there business women with their hair in ponytails rushing to get their dry cleaning? Very likely the clientele at a rub and tug is going to give it away fairly quickly and obviously. Lots of guys, none of whom look like they’ve ever been rubbed by a dude named Sven, all waiting to get rubbed by a girl named Lotus.

Ø      Check out the neighborhood. Are you in the heart of downtown? Next to a Starbucks maybe? If your massage parlor is in a heavy commercial area with lots of boutiques and shit nearby, you’ve definitely stumbled into the land of the legit. If you try to roll over onto your back and let the towel slip off, the girl massaging you may call management to have you removed.

Ø      Gauge the girls. Are you a decent judge of reactions? As with all things in life, from trying to find a dance partner at your cousin’s wedding to trying to get a stripper to knock a few bucks off a lapdance, you need to be able to read the lady you’re talking to. Not all men can do this and, tragically, many think they can when they so obviously can’t. Alas, we can only do our best. If you happen to roll over to get a chest massage and your willy is tenting the towel like the flag on the moon, see what she’s doing.  

If she avoids eye contact completely and keeps her hands as far up your body as possible, she’s definitely not into exploring down Mexico way and will remain quite north of the equator for as long as she can. If she’s still be playful and moving lower, and if it seems like she has no idea what muscles lay beneath your skin or how to best soothe them, you may be on to something.

Sometimes in life the most fun can be had with trial and error and discovery new things you never knew existed. Such is the case with a dirty massage parlor. Sure you could ask around, or maybe see if it’s listed in the yellow pages under escort services, but where’s the fun in that? That removes the thrill of the hunt and also ensures you’ll have nearly no chance of embarrassing yourself horribly. Best to go there in person and test the waters yourself, and maybe end the day the happy way.