For some of us, visiting an escort a day is a totally reasonable and viable option. Sex with a provider fits in between lunch and sleeping in the office pretending to be working on that report you finished in one hour that’s supposed to take two weeks to do. At a cost of upwards of $1500 a week or so though it’s certainly not an option for everyone. But if you need to get your rocks off on a regular basis, and wanking it simply isn’t cutting the mustard, what’s left? 

To start with, the world of woman replacements has made intense leaps and bounds in the last few years. If you ever ventured to that shady store with the blacked out windows back in the 80’s in search of a love doll of some kind, what you may have discovered was a beach ball with fake plastic hair and wide, dead eyes that will give you an unsatisfying, slightly chafing blowjob of sorts if you jam your unit into its lubed up folds. Nowadays, however, you have the thrill of Real Dolls Love dolls.

What is a Real Doll? If you haven’t seen them before, they’re an astounding mix of kind of alluring and totally creepy sex toys that can run anywhere from $5000 to $10,000 and look about as realistic as any doll is ever apt to get. According to descriptions (because no one gives internet bloggers free samples of $10,000 sex toys) they have realistic silicone flesh and hair and some are even moulded from the bodies of porn stars, making the experience very much like what it must be like to make love to the comatose body of your favourite adult actress. 

The dolls are fully poseable and can even simulate real body temperature with the use of heating blankets or warm water. Granted, this means that, depending how long you take to finish the job, you may get to feel the body cool down underneath you, but hopefully it won’t throw you off too much.

If you have the yellow fever, Japan has offered up its own version of the RealDoll called CandyGirl. While both dolls have the creepy 1,000 yard stare of an inanimate object, the Japanese manage to throw in a touch of the Sailor Moon aesthetic by having their dolls resemble people of what could most diplomatically be described as an ambiguous age. But hey, the Japanese invented a vending machine to sell used schoolgirl panties, so we shouldn’t be surprised by anything in their sex industry.

Elsewhere in Japan you can get HoneyGirls that come with the added bonus of tactile sensors in their breasts. The sensors connect to an MP3 player that plays appropriate sounds. Presumably this means you could reprogram it to belt out some AC/DC when it has an orgasm, which would make it at least 5 times as cool as any real woman who currently does not sing Highway to Hell when she cums.

Mechadoll has also been around for a few years and offers up dolls with an aluminum composite frame and silicone flesh as well as incredibly realistic designs. Again,t he cost of around $7,000 comes with them, but they do have three functioning holes and, according to the website, they have actually managed to eliminate the pussy fart effect associate with similar toys.  Again, as no one supplies internet bloggers with free samples I can’t attest tot her accuracy of that statement, nor can I really confirm that other dolls actually fart when you fuck them. However, if it’s true, it’s both the saddest and most hilarious thing I can imagine just now.

CybOrgasMatrix offers up a doll modelled on porn star and dancer Pandora Peaks and made from something called elastometric gel which is apparently more flesh-like than silicone and better able to stand up to extensive use and abuse. The doll itself has robotic actuators that allow for hip and pelvic thrusting as well as voice capability, ensuring you can have more fun with rubber than anyone else on your block if you plunk down the $5,800 or so it costs to get one.

TeddyBabes are also out there and, unlike the rest of these dolls, don’t attempt to duplicate flesh with silicone or anything of the sort, instead offering up plush dolls. Which is to say stuffed animals, but women. 

So if the constant investment in escorts isn’t for you, know that saving your pennies and making a one time purchase of a half assed replacement is totally an option.