LMFAO! nice one! Nice to have a change of subject in here too!

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

Ah hahahaha! Both of those jokes are keepers! (especially the first one)

Well heres one you will really love.

Have you ever called one of those kind of backpage or CL girls?

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?', 'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

LOL, nice one! I haven't heard that one before

Love laugh and live!!!!

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'

'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!'

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea.

ahahahaha. nice! that's gold.

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."

LMFAO!

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, “Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”

The mother cleverly replies, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are!”

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, “Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”

“The bigger they are, the dumber they are!” she replies.

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, “Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!”

Thats all i got guys. It was nice playing with you.

OMG that's good. You have quite the repertoire of jokes? Ever thought of doing a stand up comedy gig?

Ok here goes, an Italian a Frenchman, and a redneck hanging out in a bar:

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da
love withah my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle
de back of her knees, she floats ah 6 inches above a
da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've
finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all
ze waydown her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her
feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above
ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That ain't nothin buddy. When I've
finished doin it to the ole lady, I git out of bed, walks
over to the winder and wipe my pecker on the curtains.
She hits the freakin ceiling!"

That was a good one. I like to read and hear them but i am more the wallflower type, i could see me standing on stage stuttering and my eye or lip twitching.

Me too. My biggest problem is remembering them...I'm terrible.

Its terrible when you say the punch line before you actually get the joke started (lol)

Ok some one sent this one to me today so i will share one more.

Daffy Duck calls hotel reception for a condom.
Front desk asks "shall i put it on your bill?"
He said "Dont be thuckin thupid!" " I'd thufficate!"