Blog entry

Spend enough time online looking for an escort and you’ll notice that quite a few are apparently so super friendly they’re willing to share you with another girl. Some are willing to don 6 inch heels and step on your balls too, but that’s a story for another day and one we won’t be comfortable discussing until we’re done with therapy.

We all knew the beautiful dream would have to end eventually, and it looks like now is that time. Craigslist, famous for nothing but debauchery, useless shit and random crap you never knew you wanted, just axed the most interesting item from that list: debauchery.

Ads for erotic services on Craigslist are no longer going to be free. Thus, any ads placed for erotic services like: massages, escorts or strippers now require credit cards and personal information which in turn means there’s pretty much no hope you’re every going to be seeing the same volume of ads on Craigslist for escorts, strippers or massages, since they are loath to give out their personal information.

Naturally this is a terrible turn of events, as where else on the internet are you ever going to find ads for escorts, strippers and massage parlors? Off the top of my head, I can’t think of a single website. We may all be doomed.

Or maybe not. The future need not be all storm clouds and lonely, boobie free nights. Just because Craigslist has turned its back on coitus with strangers doesn’t mean the whole of the internet has. Nor does it mean the creative escort can’t find more mainstream ways to sell her wares.

Amazon.com: The great thing about Amazon is that it has a seller’s section. Now sure, you’re supposed to just be selling books or DVDs or whatever the hell it is Amazon sells, but no one’s saying you can’t place an ad for a gently used copy of War and Peace and mention in passing in the ad that the book comes with a side of reverse cowgirl and a blowjob for the very reasonable price of $300.

Long ago, in the days of our swinging forefathers, which was pretty much just the 60’s and the 70’s, the lifestyle of the swinger came to prominence hand in hand with mass media.  People weren’t happy trying to just defile their neighbors’ wife, they wanted to meet new and nasty people to have fun with, and we don’t blame them.  Those people were pioneers.  Pussy pioneers.

At any rate, newspaper personals and the back pages of adult magazines became homes for numerous ads from regular joes and professionals alike offering and seeking sexual services.  But obscenity laws being what they were, things had to be discrete.  Thus, if someone wanted some backdoor action they couldn’t just come out and say anal.  They said Greek.  You want oral?  Nope, French.  Tit fucking?  Not quite, you want Russian (why?  We don’t know, just go with it).  For a long time this very simple system of code words was both cute and efficient.  Oh, you speak Greek?  Wonderful, bend over and let’s talk.

Nowadays, with everyone and their grandmother on the internet and sex a far more complex affair than just 3 minutes of silent missionary thrills like we assume our parents enjoyed, escorts have come up with more codes than the average military operation to advertise what they offer.  Ironically, in this effort to simplify things, you pretty much need a decoder ring or a degree in linguistics to keep it all in check.

We can all enjoy the simple classics like BDSM or BJ, but where the hell did BBBJTCIM come from?  That stands for bareback blowjob to completion in mouth.  That’s practically a whole sentence.  The internet, with its extensive use of BRB and LOL and so on seems to make everyone want to simplify everything and if there’s one thing that doesn’t need simplifying, it’s sex.  Especially since the simplification makes everything more complex.

If an escort says she does DATO are you really going to know what that is right off the bat?  A quick look at our decoder ring says it means “dining at the O.”   Frankly, if you don’t know what DATO means, you probably don’t know what dining at the O means either so you need to look up that too.  Our Greek speaking predecessors would be just as confused.  And, just for future reference, DATO means ass eating.  Don’t say we never taught you anything.

In the spirit of making things easier for you, we offer you this list of obvious and slightly less than obvious acronyms so that you can bookmark this page for future reference, should you ever find yourself shopping online and wondering if the escort you’re reading about is offering you a full body sensual massage (FBSM) or some kind of new tires for you car.

 

As we’re all likely aware, a good portion of the world frowns upon prostitution. There are legal issues, religious issues and no end to the people who want to label it as immoral, degrading and offensive to women. For every escort who seems perfectly happy doing what she does, there’s a hundred newspaper articles detailing how horrible her life really is, and how she’s being forced into drugs and victimized by a pimp and so on and so forth.

While it may be true there are a number of women around the world forced into the sex industry, it’s also a fact that humans like to look at everything as black and white. Everything must be this way or that way, no in between. So if one woman is victimized as a prostitute, all are. But alas the world has shades of grey and some escorts really enjoy both the money they get and a hell of a lot of sex.

That said, suppose we agree for just one second that prostitution is somehow bad. If it is bad, how bad is it? How bad is it compared to say, gambling? Smoking? Drinking? Overeating? 

According to a US government survey from a few years back, alcohol was a contributing factor in 75,000 deaths in the US alone and is the third leading cause of preventable deaths. 32% of all traffic fatalities are alcohol related. The odds on some dude getting road head from an escort hitting your car are far slimmer.

The CDC tells us that tobacco is responsible for upwards of 440,000 deaths per year.   Do you know how much fucking the average escort would have to do to kill that many people? And to somehow sustain it beyond the inevitable chafing? It boggles the mind.

 
Most of us are taught from a fairly young age that sex is a private thing, to be kept locked away and not discussed. Sex education at schools still gets hillbillys up in arms and pornography isn’t allowed to be seen by anyone under 18 (technically). Movies featuring rampant decapitations are often given a PG-13 rating while a movie that shows bush would be rated R. It’s a weird world. Given that, one has to wonder, just what kind of girls decides that having sex is going to be how she pays the bills.
 
The typical, or rather stereotypical, idea of an escort is perhaps a woman who is uneducated by gets by on her looks. The word slut would likely be bandied around by some folks as well, because all that books and covers and judging business is just a part of human nature. Some people only want to see in black and white, which is a shame, because full color boobies are way nicer.
 
The truth of the matter is many different kinds of women get into escorting and, as with any profession, some will be good, some bad. Odds are you’ve never had a job where everyone was a complete saint, nor was everyone a total asshole. Maybe 99% of them were assholes, but usually there’s that one person who doesn’t suck the life from you. Usually. 

 

Prostitution has the label “the world’s oldest profession” because someone once thought it was clever and someone else agreed and now it just won’t go away because everyone’s happy to assume that women have always been selling their asses. But surprisingly enough the exchange of ass and mouth for cash and disease is not as old as civilization, even though it is pretty old. 

Way back when, prostitution was a curiously sacred thing and some of the first instances of prostitution ever being mentioned did not involve street corners, brothels or grandma’s house, but temples. In ancient Sumeria and Babylon the women were expected to make a trip at least once in their life to the temple of Mylitta and have sex with a complete stranger. The women, whether rich or poor, had to sit on the temple steps and wait for a man to toss some money at her. Whoever came to her first with any amount of money got to have her and she was not allowed to refuse anyone, meaning this was likely the favorite temple of all local hunchbacks and Charlie Sheen’s ancestors.

While prostitution may have started in temples, it seems it was all fine and dandy to keep it there for a while before some industrious person thought they might be able to make a decent living if they kept the same women in the same spot for a while and dropped that whole “sex for religion” aspect and instead went with the whole “sex for a set fee” idea we all know and love today. 

 
The internet has been a valuable tool for me over the years and has taught me much, as I am sure it teaches many of us. Children use it in schools regularly and there are even a handful of articles on wikipedia that are actually informative while not also being horribly biased, ignorant or completely retarded. The internet is fantastic.
 
One of the greatest lessons the internet has to teach us is about the nature of escorts. You may not have spent much time comparing escort types, but there are some definite categories these ladies fit into as we’ve mentioned before. And while a good chunk are gorgeous, young women with fabulous looking hair and clothes, there’s also a decent number of 30+ ladies who look suspiciously like PTA members in lingerie.  Your eyes aren’t deceiving you there, those ladies are PTA members and they do have families. They only work 10-4 because their husband is out 9-5 so they need to fit you in when it’s convenient.  This, however, raises the interesting question of whether or not these men are aware of their wife or girlfriend’s extracurricular activities. Would you be?
 
As with anything in life, nothing is hidden if you know what to look for. If your significant other is turning tricks when you’re in the office, there’s a few clues likely to be sitting around the house.

 
The questions regarding the legality of prostitution have been around for as long as people have been exchanging ass for money, magic beans, animals skins or shiny pebbles. Nowadays we just take it for granted that it’s illegal (except in Nevada, and a good chunk of the rest of the world) and we rarely ever stop to ask why.  We ask why it isn’t legal, but not why it is illegal. And while the answer may seem obvious, at the same time it’s worth exploring.
 
First and foremost, North American law is old as shit. Anyone in the legal profession can tell you the law moves as fast as old people fucking, which is why laws regarding internet commerce and various other issues dealing with modern technology always come about 5 years or so after they were first needed. Nothing happens quickly in a courtroom. Given what we know of some of the first settlers of North America, who came across the ocean with snobby English culture saddled to them like a stuck up monkey, it’s not surprising that anything deemed immoral was simply banned outright.
 
Prostitution is said to contribute to the moral decay of society. This, of course, stems from the belief held by many ancient fogies, clergy and extreme right wing zealots that sex in and of itself is immoral. These are the same kind of people who commit every egregious sin known to man behind closed doors, of course, but in public will speak out against the evils of Rock Music and Boobies.

 
There’s only so much that can be said about escorts and what they do from the perspective of a semi-hilarious male blogger. Information can only be gathered from so many sources that helps explain this, that and the other about what providers do and where and how before the information hits a wall. On the other side of that wall with any and all answers we may be lacking are the girls themselves. And as it happens, I can climb walls like a mother. 
 
After many e-mails asking many questions of many girls, I managed to get ahold of a girl who calls herself Summer working out of Toronto who was willing to answer some questions about what she does, provided I didn’t ask anything “stupid” and I didn’t use the name she works under. The second part was easy but the first part was difficult as I majored in stupid questions back in University.  Still, I felt I had to try. Some of my questions worked, some didn’t. Here, edited and sanitized to cut out stuff that made me look stupid or desperate for free sex, are Summer’s answers to some questions.
 
Q: Why do you escort?
 
A: Money and sex. I can make a lot more money as an escort than I can doing anything else right now and I love sex, so why not?

 
In the great variety of sexual services and entertainment available to us, few things will ever border the fence between legitimate and illicit as massage parlors. Escorts may seem like girlfriends and strip clubs may seem like regular bars, but the subtle differences are there. Massage parlors on the other hand exist in the curious world of massage therapy wherein at any moment you could find yourself ready for a tug job and instead on the receiving end of a deep tissue massage in your ass from a dude named Sven.
 
Not all of us are comfortable just coming out and saying to a woman we’d like them to fondle our nutsack and sing Christmas carols or whatever. Sometimes we just hope we’re in the right place for that kind of thing to go down. But massage parlors, by and large, like to operate under the cloak of secrecy. They’re like the Batman of sexual services, in disguise and doling out sticky justice to all who deserve it. Or something like that.
 
So say a new massage joint opens up in town and you want to find out if this is a legit business or if they front for a little rub and tug on the side. If you can’t outright ask and are mildly afraid of some undercover cop busting your ass for enjoying such nefarious hobbies, there may be ways to tell if you’re in the right place.
 
Ø      Look for Sven. Do you see him? Do you see any large, European men who want to give you a rub down? If you do, you may have entered a legit massage therapy establishment. Alternately, Sven will be willing to touch your penis and it’s up to you if you want to travel that road or not.