All Cities

 

In the great variety of sexual services and entertainment available to us, few things will ever border the fence between legitimate and illicit as massage parlors. Escorts may seem like girlfriends and strip clubs may seem like regular bars, but the subtle differences are there. Massage parlors on the other hand exist in the curious world of massage therapy wherein at any moment you could find yourself ready for a tug job and instead on the receiving end of a deep tissue massage in your ass from a dude named Sven.

 

Not all of us are comfortable just coming out and saying to a woman we’d like them to fondle our nutsack and sing Christmas carols or whatever. Sometimes we just hope we’re in the right place for that kind of thing to go down. But massage parlors, by and large, like to operate under the cloak of secrecy. They’re like the Batman of sexual services, in disguise and doling out sticky justice to all who deserve it. Or something like that.

 

So say a new massage joint opens up in town and you want to find out if this is a legit business or if they front for a little rub and tug on the side. If you can’t outright ask and are mildly afraid of some undercover cop busting your ass for enjoying such nefarious hobbies, there may be ways to tell if you’re in the right place.

 

Ø      Look for Sven. Do you see him? Do you see any large, European men who want to give you a rub down? If you do, you may have entered a legit massage therapy establishment. Alternately, Sven will be willing to touch your penis and it’s up to you if you want to travel that road or not.

Long ago, in the days of our swinging forefathers, which was pretty much just the 60’s and the 70’s, the lifestyle of the swinger came to prominence hand in hand with mass media.  People weren’t happy trying to just defile their neighbors’ wife, they wanted to meet new and nasty people to have fun with, and we don’t blame them.  Those people were pioneers.  Pussy pioneers.

At any rate, newspaper personals and the back pages of adult magazines became homes for numerous ads from regular joes and professionals alike offering and seeking sexual services.  But obscenity laws being what they were, things had to be discrete.  Thus, if someone wanted some backdoor action they couldn’t just come out and say anal.  They said Greek.  You want oral?  Nope, French.  Tit fucking?  Not quite, you want Russian (why?  We don’t know, just go with it).  For a long time this very simple system of code words was both cute and efficient.  Oh, you speak Greek?  Wonderful, bend over and let’s talk.

Nowadays, with everyone and their grandmother on the internet and sex a far more complex affair than just 3 minutes of silent missionary thrills like we assume our parents enjoyed, escorts have come up with more codes than the average military operation to advertise what they offer.  Ironically, in this effort to simplify things, you pretty much need a decoder ring or a degree in linguistics to keep it all in check.

We can all enjoy the simple classics like BDSM or BJ, but where the hell did BBBJTCIM come from?  That stands for bareback blowjob to completion in mouth.  That’s practically a whole sentence.  The internet, with its extensive use of BRB and LOL and so on seems to make everyone want to simplify everything and if there’s one thing that doesn’t need simplifying, it’s sex.  Especially since the simplification makes everything more complex.

If an escort says she does DATO are you really going to know what that is right off the bat?  A quick look at our decoder ring says it means “dining at the O.”   Frankly, if you don’t know what DATO means, you probably don’t know what dining at the O means either so you need to look up that too.  Our Greek speaking predecessors would be just as confused.  And, just for future reference, DATO means ass eating.  Don’t say we never taught you anything.

In the spirit of making things easier for you, we offer you this list of obvious and slightly less than obvious acronyms so that you can bookmark this page for future reference, should you ever find yourself shopping online and wondering if the escort you’re reading about is offering you a full body sensual massage (FBSM) or some kind of new tires for you car.

Spend enough time online looking for an escort and you’ll notice that quite a few are apparently so super friendly they’re willing to share you with another girl. Some are willing to don 6 inch heels and step on your balls too, but that’s a story for another day and one we won’t be comfortable discussing until we’re done with therapy.

We all knew the beautiful dream would have to end eventually, and it looks like now is that time. Craigslist, famous for nothing but debauchery, useless shit and random crap you never knew you wanted, just axed the most interesting item from that list: debauchery.

Ads for erotic services on Craigslist are no longer going to be free. Thus, any ads placed for erotic services like: massages, escorts or strippers now require credit cards and personal information which in turn means there’s pretty much no hope you’re every going to be seeing the same volume of ads on Craigslist for escorts, strippers or massages, since they are loath to give out their personal information.

Naturally this is a terrible turn of events, as where else on the internet are you ever going to find ads for escorts, strippers and massage parlors? Off the top of my head, I can’t think of a single website. We may all be doomed.

Or maybe not. The future need not be all storm clouds and lonely, boobie free nights. Just because Craigslist has turned its back on coitus with strangers doesn’t mean the whole of the internet has. Nor does it mean the creative escort can’t find more mainstream ways to sell her wares.

Amazon.com: The great thing about Amazon is that it has a seller’s section. Now sure, you’re supposed to just be selling books or DVDs or whatever the hell it is Amazon sells, but no one’s saying you can’t place an ad for a gently used copy of War and Peace and mention in passing in the ad that the book comes with a side of reverse cowgirl and a blowjob for the very reasonable price of $300.

If you’re reading this, you’re savvy enough to navigate the internet and while that may not seem like much, consider all the people who call tech support hotlines each and every day asking where the ‘any” key is on their keyboard. It’s not an urban legend, people really do it. The world is overflowing with idiots and undoubtedly you’ve met a good number of them.

Somewhere along the lines, when it came to various nefarious activities, like paying for sex, people decided that perhaps law enforcement was also entirely peopled by idiots and sought to circumvent them via clever wordplay and subterfuge, hoping that we could all stay one step ahead of the man while enjoying the hobby. But be warned, friends. Cops are not all idiots. You may have met an idiot cop, and an idiot cop may have ticketed you for having a busted tail light, but believe that in the vice squad they know more about prostitution than any escort you’re ever going to meet and as such, you have only luck and proper planning to protect you from getting busted. Code words and coyness will get you sent to prison.

You may have seen a number of ads that offer services in exchange for “roses.” This cute bit of wordplay may make it seem like on the surface you’re pulling a fast one, but no one is buying it. In court, it’s very unlikely a jury would be confused at this point. This is why any ad offering services, either for cash, roses, gumdrops, copper bolts, lint, paint chips or otherwise all gets filed the same for the boys in blue. And all are fair game for sting operations and fake ads.

So you decided tonight you’re just going to go out cruising and see what’s around. Maybe drive through the Taco Bell, maybe catch a movie, maybe pick up some random chick and pay her a few bucks to put your willy in her mouth. It’s a fun Thursday evening, why the fuck not? But before you actually hand over your hard earned cash for a hard sucked hard on, you may find a little voice in the back of your head warning you about the potential for this to turn out badly. What if she’s not what she seems? And by that we’re not talking tranny, that’s a whole different ballgame, so to speak. What if she’s a cop? How do you know?

Glad you asked. There’s probably no definitive way to tell 100% for sure if the girl you’re trying to pick up is the fuzz, but there are some helpful clues. First and foremost, just take a look at her. Does she look like she fucks guys for money? May seem like a stupid question, but think about it. A woman who carries a gun every day and probably lives in the suburbs and drives a reasonably priced, fuel-efficient car to work is bound to look different than a woman who is willing to barter with you over the price of sticking a finger in her ass. Cop hookers tend to be a little off base in their portrayal. Maybe a little too perfect, if you follow. Watch how she carries herself, how her make up is applied, her expression, her tone, her body language. A cop doesn’t sell fuck for a living and she may be giving it away, all depends on her acting skills.

 

A good number of escorts are willing to offer up roleplaying and similar services for customers who enjoy a bit of variety. After all, sometimes just banging a really hot chick isn’t enough, especially if you can get her to act like she’s a cop, a nun, a teacher or the female cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  It doesn’t matter how many years the show’s been off the air, they’re all still fantastic.

 

Roleplaying may not be everyone’s cup of tea though, and immersive fantasy like that requires a psychological investment from both you and your provider.  If that’s not your personality type, some girls also offer up a different kind of experience, one that you see more and more often these days; GFE and PSE.

 

The Girlfriend Experience ideally shouldn’t be difficult for any provider to master. Acting like your clients girlfriend just adds a new layer of intimacy and closeness that may not be traditionally associated with someone paying for sex. If she’s ever been anyone’s girlfriend before or has some understanding of human emotion, she should be able to master this one pretty well.

 

The PSE, porn star experience, is a whole new ballgame. Every provider has probably been a girlfriend before, but not everyone has been a porn star. To focus this service down requires some tact, focus and, above all, research. What kind of research? Porn research, of course.

 

As we’re all likely aware, a good portion of the world frowns upon prostitution. There are legal issues, religious issues and no end to the people who want to label it as immoral, degrading and offensive to women. For every escort who seems perfectly happy doing what she does, there’s a hundred newspaper articles detailing how horrible her life really is, and how she’s being forced into drugs and victimized by a pimp and so on and so forth.

While it may be true there are a number of women around the world forced into the sex industry, it’s also a fact that humans like to look at everything as black and white. Everything must be this way or that way, no in between. So if one woman is victimized as a prostitute, all are. But alas the world has shades of grey and some escorts really enjoy both the money they get and a hell of a lot of sex.

That said, suppose we agree for just one second that prostitution is somehow bad. If it is bad, how bad is it? How bad is it compared to say, gambling? Smoking? Drinking? Overeating? 

According to a US government survey from a few years back, alcohol was a contributing factor in 75,000 deaths in the US alone and is the third leading cause of preventable deaths. 32% of all traffic fatalities are alcohol related. The odds on some dude getting road head from an escort hitting your car are far slimmer.

The CDC tells us that tobacco is responsible for upwards of 440,000 deaths per year.   Do you know how much fucking the average escort would have to do to kill that many people? And to somehow sustain it beyond the inevitable chafing? It boggles the mind.

 

Most of us are taught from a fairly young age that sex is a private thing, to be kept locked away and not discussed. Sex education at schools still gets hillbillys up in arms and pornography isn’t allowed to be seen by anyone under 18 (technically). Movies featuring rampant decapitations are often given a PG-13 rating while a movie that shows bush would be rated R. It’s a weird world. Given that, one has to wonder, just what kind of girls decides that having sex is going to be how she pays the bills.

 

The typical, or rather stereotypical, idea of an escort is perhaps a woman who is uneducated by gets by on her looks. The word slut would likely be bandied around by some folks as well, because all that books and covers and judging business is just a part of human nature. Some people only want to see in black and white, which is a shame, because full color boobies are way nicer.

 

The truth of the matter is many different kinds of women get into escorting and, as with any profession, some will be good, some bad. Odds are you’ve never had a job where everyone was a complete saint, nor was everyone a total asshole. Maybe 99% of them were assholes, but usually there’s that one person who doesn’t suck the life from you. Usually. 

 

If there’s one thing Supersize Me taught us, it’s that eating can be awful, dangerous and awfully dangerous.  And pedantic, overbearing “documentary” filmmakers aside, there’s something to be said about being cautious when putting anything in your mouth.  Or putting parts of your mouth in anything. Or having your things in mouths. We’re talking oral sex if that wasn’t clear enough for you.

These days, while the vast majority of escorts will insist on protection before engaging in good old fashioned bone-in-squish-mitten humping or anal or anything like that, and rightly so, there’s still some leeway out there when it comes to oral. A lot of escorts will list DATY or BBBJ on their services pages with nary a mention of any precautions. As a hobbyist this puts you in the eternal bind that all men face, even when dealing with long time girlfriends or wives. Protection is of course good for preventing disease and pregnancy, but with a wife or girlfriend we always want to skirt the issue, just because it feels better. With an escort, most of us are willing to wrap up for sex because it’s a sane choice to make, but there’s a lot of reluctance to want to take that step when it comes to oral because, again, it just feels better and there’s a pervasive belief that it’s safer. Escorts believe that too which is why a lot will offer BBBJ but no CIM. That precaution makes a bit of difference, but not a lot.

We’re not here to be scaremongers of course, but the fact is no blowjob is worth your dick rotting off. Probably not, anyway. If it was, give us her name, we need to meet her.