All Cities

We all knew the beautiful dream would have to end eventually, and it looks like now is that time. Craigslist, famous for nothing but debauchery, useless shit and random crap you never knew you wanted, just axed the most interesting item from that list: debauchery.

Ads for erotic services on Craigslist are no longer going to be free. Thus, any ads placed for erotic services like: massages, escorts or strippers now require credit cards and personal information which in turn means there’s pretty much no hope you’re every going to be seeing the same volume of ads on Craigslist for escorts, strippers or massages, since they are loath to give out their personal information.

Naturally this is a terrible turn of events, as where else on the internet are you ever going to find ads for escorts, strippers and massage parlors? Off the top of my head, I can’t think of a single website. We may all be doomed.

Or maybe not. The future need not be all storm clouds and lonely, boobie free nights. Just because Craigslist has turned its back on coitus with strangers doesn’t mean the whole of the internet has. Nor does it mean the creative escort can’t find more mainstream ways to sell her wares.

Amazon.com: The great thing about Amazon is that it has a seller’s section. Now sure, you’re supposed to just be selling books or DVDs or whatever the hell it is Amazon sells, but no one’s saying you can’t place an ad for a gently used copy of War and Peace and mention in passing in the ad that the book comes with a side of reverse cowgirl and a blowjob for the very reasonable price of $300.

Spend enough time online looking for an escort and you’ll notice that quite a few are apparently so super friendly they’re willing to share you with another girl. Some are willing to don 6 inch heels and step on your balls too, but that’s a story for another day and one we won’t be comfortable discussing until we’re done with therapy.

Proving once again that nature loves a boner (as was previously proved when nature gave us boners), researchers in Texas have found that watermelons produce an effect similar to that of Viagra, which is the awesomest thing fruit has ever done for us since porn stars made creative use of bananas for our enjoyment.

Watermelon contains something called citrulline, which when consumed in large enough quantities gets turned into something called arginine that can act on the body in a way that helps relax blood vessels, which is pretty much what Viagra does for you. The blood vessels relax, things get stiff, parties start, and senior citizens have awkward, somewhat dry and sticky sex. But the rest of us just get to enjoy a slice of melon and some power humping.

Obviously there’s a difference between a pill that costs an assload of money and a vaguely obscene looking melon, most notably that watermelon wasn’t designed to specifically work on your wang. Not being organ specific, it won’t produce results as powerful as Viagra, but it also is side effect free and less conspicuous if you’re at the BBQ eying the new secretary with a slice in your hand, as opposed to rattling a handful of little, blue pills.

Long ago, in the days of our swinging forefathers, which was pretty much just the 60’s and the 70’s, the lifestyle of the swinger came to prominence hand in hand with mass media.  People weren’t happy trying to just defile their neighbors’ wife, they wanted to meet new and nasty people to have fun with, and we don’t blame them.  Those people were pioneers.  Pussy pioneers.

At any rate, newspaper personals and the back pages of adult magazines became homes for numerous ads from regular joes and professionals alike offering and seeking sexual services.  But obscenity laws being what they were, things had to be discrete.  Thus, if someone wanted some backdoor action they couldn’t just come out and say anal.  They said Greek.  You want oral?  Nope, French.  Tit fucking?  Not quite, you want Russian (why?  We don’t know, just go with it).  For a long time this very simple system of code words was both cute and efficient.  Oh, you speak Greek?  Wonderful, bend over and let’s talk.

Nowadays, with everyone and their grandmother on the internet and sex a far more complex affair than just 3 minutes of silent missionary thrills like we assume our parents enjoyed, escorts have come up with more codes than the average military operation to advertise what they offer.  Ironically, in this effort to simplify things, you pretty much need a decoder ring or a degree in linguistics to keep it all in check.

We can all enjoy the simple classics like BDSM or BJ, but where the hell did BBBJTCIM come from?  That stands for bareback blowjob to completion in mouth.  That’s practically a whole sentence.  The internet, with its extensive use of BRB and LOL and so on seems to make everyone want to simplify everything and if there’s one thing that doesn’t need simplifying, it’s sex.  Especially since the simplification makes everything more complex.

If an escort says she does DATO are you really going to know what that is right off the bat?  A quick look at our decoder ring says it means “dining at the O.”   Frankly, if you don’t know what DATO means, you probably don’t know what dining at the O means either so you need to look up that too.  Our Greek speaking predecessors would be just as confused.  And, just for future reference, DATO means ass eating.  Don’t say we never taught you anything.

In the spirit of making things easier for you, we offer you this list of obvious and slightly less than obvious acronyms so that you can bookmark this page for future reference, should you ever find yourself shopping online and wondering if the escort you’re reading about is offering you a full body sensual massage (FBSM) or some kind of new tires for you car.

 

Prostitution has the label “the world’s oldest profession” because someone once thought it was clever and someone else agreed and now it just won’t go away because everyone’s happy to assume that women have always been selling their asses. But surprisingly enough the exchange of ass and mouth for cash and disease is not as old as civilization, even though it is pretty old. 

Way back when, prostitution was a curiously sacred thing and some of the first instances of prostitution ever being mentioned did not involve street corners, brothels or grandma’s house, but temples. In ancient Sumeria and Babylon the women were expected to make a trip at least once in their life to the temple of Mylitta and have sex with a complete stranger. The women, whether rich or poor, had to sit on the temple steps and wait for a man to toss some money at her. Whoever came to her first with any amount of money got to have her and she was not allowed to refuse anyone, meaning this was likely the favorite temple of all local hunchbacks and Charlie Sheen’s ancestors.

While prostitution may have started in temples, it seems it was all fine and dandy to keep it there for a while before some industrious person thought they might be able to make a decent living if they kept the same women in the same spot for a while and dropped that whole “sex for religion” aspect and instead went with the whole “sex for a set fee” idea we all know and love today. 

The age of the teen sex comedy was a wonderful thing. Porky’s, Fast Times at Ridegmont High, Revenge of the Nerds, American Pie, they all showed us the high school we wished we’d went to. Parties and boobs and a way to stick it to the man. The man, in this case, being the principal or some asshole coach or whoever.

It’s sad to hear then that last Thursday, a 19 year old man was arrested after crashing a high school grad ceremony dressed as a dick. A full on, 6 foot tall penis. Is it the best prank anyone ever pulled at the end of the year? No. Does it even come close to a mass of co-eds streaking across campus and then shotgunning beers till everyone is sloppy in more ways than one? Hell no. But hey, it was something. How many of us attended a boring, run of the mill graduation in which no one was dressed as any kind of body part at all? How many of us wished we could have got the fat bastard who runs the local brothel to chase us through town, or stuck our dicks through the wall in the girl’s shower? How many of us wanted to see Phoebe Cates’ tits?

This kid is a hero, the last of a dying breed that may never have really existed in real life. These days we’re lucky if we get two streakers running a graduation per state. And usually it’s two dudes, somewhat ruining the whole thing for everyone present. Worse, for those who do engage in such acts, they can look forward to being charged with indecent exposure and disorderly conduct like our penis wearing friend.

Let it never be said that any man can walk into a strip club green and naïve with a pocketful of cash, hay seeds still on his shoulder and a raging hard on with no guidance whatsoever about what is about to befall him. All of us, from newbies first seeing pay-for-play boobies to seasoned pros who remember every bump around every stripper’s nipple should be familiar with the basics of what you need to do when you’re in a club. If you don’t have a friend, loved one or pocket guide to explain the fundamentals then so be it. You now have this blog.

It should come as no surprise to anyone with even a passing interest in adult entertainment, porno, cartoons, video games, sex in general or female undergarments that Japan is a whole world away from those of us in the Western world where Hello Kitty is just an annoying cartoon for children and not some fiendish cult way of life that presumably millions of Japanese people have devoted themselves to and lead to the creation of both Hello Kitty shotguns and Hello Kitty vibrators, two things that have only been previously licensed to Charlton Heston (according to mom, his vibrator causes friction burns

Ridiculously hot and world famous porn star Chasey Lain, born Tiffany Anne Jones, started her career as a stripper until she was convinced she could make a living in adult films, which may have had something to do with the boatloads of money available as opposed to the slightly greasy dollar bills she was pulling in as a dancer.. She became one of porn’s biggest names and has crossed over into mainstream films like Orgazmo, He Got Game and Demon Knight (we never said she was in good movies), as well as showing up in the BloodHound Gang’s song “The Ballad of Chasey Lain,” something even Ron Jeremy hasn’t pulled off yet which is probably for the best. She even directs movies and has started her own production company meaning not only is she intensely hot and obviously skilled at what she does, but she’s versatile, multi-faceted and intelligent. Plus she has a killer rack.

Measuring 36D-23-34 and having appeared in close to 100 films, Chasey has received several AVN awards for her work and has reached the level of fame that only a select few porn stars like Jenna Jameson or Nina Hartley ever get to.. And in case you didn’t know, she works as an escort. All things considered, it’s best to be a real Chasey Lain fan before you even consider hiring her as your date for an evening, as the $1650 per hour that her time will set you back is a pretty intense investment. You’re paying for star power here, that’s for sure. In return, however, you’ll be forever able to say “I fucked Chasey Lain.” And for that price, you may as well get it printed on a T-shirt so you can advertise to friends, family and complete strangers and possibly go out and record it so it can be your ring tone while you’re at it.

To you and me, being an escort involves having some basic knowledge of how to stuff vagina with penis and take money. This is the basic knowledge held by most sentient, sexual beings and a handful of musicians.  But realistically, an escort has to have a number of other skills, talents and considerations in her back pocket on any given day in order to manage herself and her business.