Bagging the Feature Dancer

Despite what the title of this blog may lead you to believe, I’ll be devoting very little time to discussing how to properly smack a dancer in the face with your nutsack, although in a roundabout way I suppose if you bag the feature dancer you could also teabag her. But that’s a choice to be made in private and not for me to say.

The feature dancer at a club is kind of like Moby Dick. Elusive, all consuming, naked and moist, she may haunt your dreams and you may be forced to pursue her from club to club as she won’t stay in one place long. And by pursue I mean just go out to a different club and watch some titties, nothing bizarre. No one likes a stalker.

House dancers are wonderful creatures but there’s a built-in allure in anything that we can’t have whenever we want it. The business world knows this and will frequently bullshit us by saying they only have a limited supply of a product, forcing every sucker to rush out and try to get it as soon as possible. If you doubt this, please refer to any story of wingnuts lined up at 5 am to buy a Playstation 3, an iPhone or a Nintendo Wii. The store may only have a limited supply of those, but that’s only because the manufacturer also manufactures desire. It’s not like there’s a shortage of plastic to make that shit or anything.

Likewise, there is no shortage of boob at a strip club. And yet, when a feature girl rolls into town, somehow the boob becomes that much more awesome. But how do you go from just appreciating that feature boob swaying rhythmically to poorly chosen rock music from the mid 90’s, or current and shitastic hip hop to actually pretending it’s a bongo back at your place? Tis not easy, friend. Not by a long shot.

Many feature dancers are features for a reason; they’re porn stars or world famous for their ability to peel a pineapple with their sphincter or something like that. Imagine all the guys that hit on a house stripper, now multiply it by every city in North America to the power of thousands of guys richer and better looking than you. You may be fucked and not in the way you’re hoping.

There’s no surefire way to bag a feature stripper, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this blog right now and instead I’d be motorboating a pair of them on my gaming chair. But there are some things to consider if you want to be crafty. To start with, understand who you’re dealing with. The feature girl is not from around here and is in town to work. Her schedule may be tight (insert joke here) and she’s looking to pull in cash in a flash and move on to her next gig. But she’s still human, still has time off, still needs to eat, sleep, drink and fuck like the rest of us. This information can be your friend.

Feature girl is very likely shacked up a hotel nearby. She may be familiar with your city or maybe not but when she eats she’ll be eating out (insert second joke). She’s also very wary of every guy, including you, and will only have a limited time to deal with you unless you brought a shitload of cash for private dances. Time to work your magic.

The standard tips for picking up a stripper are the basis for your plan here, but you need to give them a bit of a steroid boost. Charm and tact go a long way, but this girl isn’t going to be in town long and you aren’t really trying to dupe her into dating you, so let’s not try any fraudulent approaches. Just be upfront but with a touch of class. When you have her attention, engage in some small talk and keep the gist of it about her. Maybe where she’s going next, where she’s been, whatever. Maybe how she likes to unwind. This smalltalk is the same thing you’re going to do with any new acquaintance so you should be able to make it genuine. The clincher is finding out when and if she’s free, and if she needs a helpful guide for dinner or anything else.

This is the make or break and it all depends on the girl. Some feature dancers are being run so ragged the idea of seeing a guy like you outside of work is as appealing as tongue washing a dumpster. Other girls, mind you, are going to enjoy the freedom of being somewhere new and are ready, willing and able to have a quick and easy fuck to keep the trip interesting. The key is figuring out who you’re talking to and that means cutting through the standard stripper flirts to find out if she’s really interested. Again, time is not on your side so you’re going to need to build that rapport and then fuck being coy. Be charming, be courteous, but by all means be honest.  Ask to take her out to dinner while she’s in town. The direct route is often the best and even if it goes against your instincts of trying to ramp things up too quick, remember that she’s gotta do everything quick while she’s in town.