Is That a Dolphin in Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

It’s a safe bet that if you’re starting a new sexual relationship, visiting an escort or planning on making the world’s grossest water balloon, you need condoms.  And for a long while now condoms have basically followed a set format.  Sure, you can get flavored condoms for when you’re convinced your partner wants to taste pina colada, or glow in the dark condoms if you’re afraid of misplacing it, ribbed condoms for textured fun and American flag condoms if you’re feeling patriotic.  However, they all look like tiny socks for your unit.  Or they used to.

IntellX has developed shaped condoms that are FDA approved and meet all requirements necessary for functional, reliable condoms.  It just happens that you can get ones shaped like dolphins for reasons that probably make sense to someone out there who spends too much time at Sea World.  Featuring a tip that’s supposed to tickle her special areas designed to look like a dolphin’s nose, it’s the most fun way you can jam an aquatic mammal into your partner’s crevices on the market today.  Probably.

Aside from the dolphin there are a variety of other designs such as a flat top model that looks sort of like the roll your toilet paper goes on and one called Inspiral, which looks like you stuck your dick in a seashell and it got stuck.  The description says something about a patented friction design and various other tidbits of information that seem to indicate the condom you’re putting on is going to be more satisfying than the sex itself, which is kind of sad.  It also talks about a “spring action” that makes it seem more like the newest action figure than a condom, though it’d be cooler if it had kung-fu grip.

The basic idea is apparently the varied designs offer additional stimulation while at the same time betraying the designers’ curious fetish for aquatic life molding itself to your penis.  That aside, having a little extra fun with your sex life probably isn’t all bad, just make sure that the woman knows you have this ahead of time so she doesn’t think you’re packing some manner of mutant, deformed wang that’s all twisty and bulgy.  Science has taught us that women rarely if ever respond in a positive manner to twisty, bulgy penis being thrust at them.

Other designs available include condoms shaped like baseball bats, beer mugs, trees, champagne flutes and several other things that seem vaguely inappropriate yet vaguely hot to be used in a sexual context.  The company’s manufacturing technique allows for the shapes to be made so presumably there’s an endless number of possibilities.  Perhaps in the future they will allow for custom designs so the truly innovative amongst us can design condoms that resemble people or, in perhaps the most ironic twist of condomery ever, our penises.