Fast Food Fornication

Since nothing is quite as awesome as arbitrary and baseless research on sex, some random group of highly trained research scientists at a friggin’ UK take out website has painstakingly compiled a list of the top 10 take out meals that will give your love life a boost, which is the cutesy way the mainstream media say top 10 foods that make you want to fuck.

As an added bonus, since the website was from the UK, most of the food is weird shit that those of us in North America don’t really associate so much with take out. Where we’d be expecting to learn that the In N Out burger makes you want to do the In N Out with some fur burger, our friends across the pond are trying to convince us that Thai Green Curry is the number one food for hornballs. If you’re wondering why, it has something to do with the ginseng, basil, garlic, ginger, lemongrass, asparagus and other assorted things that someone, somewhere assured the crack research team had once gotten them hard.

Chasing at Thai Green Curry’s heels is hot and spicy pizza with onion, garlic, olives, meatballs and chilis. Doesn’t that sound sexy? It’s a little known fact that nothing gets women hotter than a man eating a pizza and reeking of cheese, garlic and big, greasy balls of formed beef. Incidentally, did you know they put meatballs on pizza in the UK? Neither did I.

Rounding out the list is chicken korma, seafood laksa, mole poblano, sushi, chicken tikka masala, spicy Balinese curry, spicy meatballs and pasta and king prawns with ginger and spring onions. Are you horny yet? Yes. Yes you are.

In the interests of international brotherhood, it behooves us to make our own list for North American take out. So the next time you’re looking for something to get her in the mood, here you go. No need to thank us, just take pictures and e-mail them to us at the website.

1. McGriddles: Bacon, egg and cheese nestled between maple infused pancakes? Hello sexy time!
2. Taco Bell’s Chili Cheese burrito: Best not used before anal.
3. KFC bowls: A whole meal jammed into one bowl, it’s like the fisting of food items.
4. Filet - o - Fish: This sandwich reeks of sex, especially if you have sex with whores who work the docks.
5. The Enormous Omelette Sandwich from Burger King: Packed with enough grease to lube up a half dozen sexual encounters
6. Wendy’s Baconator: It’s a proven fact that nothing makes women hornier than 6 strips of salty pork and mayo.
7. Animal Style Fries from In N Out Burger: Fries are boring but if you add onions, cheese, pickles and the ominous sounding “spread” then women will be spreading for you. Probably.
8. Angus Burger: Angus sounds like anus. You know what to do next.
9. Sausage on a bun: C’mon...it looks like a wang.
10. The Luther Burger: A bacon cheeseburger that tosses out the bun and replaces it with 2 Krispy Kreme donuts. But it was named after Luther Vandross, so presumably this burger would make a nun give you a rimjob.