Strip Clubs vs Children's Parties

You may not be aware of this, but the entire world around you is a menace. You’ll learn that if you ever take up a daily blog focused on a very specific topic and, from time to time, you simply Google your topic of choice and look through the news results. For instance, and this is just an example pulled right out of the air, say you write about strip clubs. If you Google strip clubs and pick through the news results, you’re going to notice some recurring themes. One of the most prevalent among them is banning. People love to ban strip clubs. Little towns, big towns, whole counties, they’re dead set against boobs in all their glory and who the fuck knows why. I don’t read the stories, I just notice them.

Towns enact bylaws to limit where strip clubs can exist and what the people inside can do. People protest or send out petitions, owners get taken to court for violating decency laws and so on and so forth. It’s the biggest news item relating to strip clubs out there. And the next biggest is crime. Someone got shot at a club. Someone got mugged at a club. Someone robbed a club. A felon was picked up at a club. It’s no wonder everyone wants to ban the damn things, they’re chock full of hardcore criminality. Plus titties and you know what they lead to. Yep, nipples. Ghastly.

But alas, some intrepid newsfolk in Bakersfield, California had enough of people slamming the good name of titty bars and did a little heart warming research. What they found is pretty fantastic; cops in Bakersfield get called to Chuck E. Cheese more than they do to the local strip club.

According to the statistics they were given the local Chuck E. Cheese and John’ Incredible Pizza had over twice as many calls for peace disturbances than the strip club over the past three years. Ironically enough, both pizza places serve alcohol while the strip club does not, which is probably a good idea if you’ve taken the time to realize how much most strip clubs soak you for booze.

Other family friendly venues in town have all had more calls related to people disturbing the peace than the strip club as well, many of them relating to issues of custody and divorce, as apparently Chuck E. Cheese is the hot spot for battling over your child in public. Nothing makes for fond childhood memories quite like a giant talking rat and mom and dad calling each other assholes while they get escorted out of the building on your birthday.

When you consider how mellow the dudes at the sober club must be, just sitting around enjoying some tits and a glass of Diet Coke, it’s no wonder they get fewer calls and also goes to show just how misguided all those little towns trying to ban strip clubs really are. If you want a peaceful community, you need to ban family restaurants where unhappy couples turn a dinner with the kids into a screaming match and instead just line up titty mega malls everywhere. If we’re all bust staring at boobs they’re be no time to get into trouble elsewhere and the cops will get a much needed break, which they can then use to go to a strip club. Everyone wins.