The Worst Stripper Names

As we’ve already learned, there’s quite a lot of rich history and such involved in the naming of a stripper. Surely no girl can just get on stage and call herself Cherry Forever, she needs to sit down and hammer out the perfect name to capture her essence, or at least what her essence looks like when it’s spread eagle on a slightly greasy stage while AC/DC plays in the background. 

Sadly, not every stripper out there takes the time to really craft the perfect name that’s a mix of intrigue, sensuality and hardcore sluttyness which is key if they want to develop a good following and get plenty of tips. The following, in no particular order, is a list of stripper names alleged to be 100% true and belonging to some women, somewhere, who disrobe for dough. In fairness I only can confirm three of these are real, live stripper names. The rest, alas, we must take on faith that no man would lie about such serious business. 

Velocity – A name that doesn’t so much belong on a stripper as a Transformer. The only time anything mathematical need apply to stripping is when, if necessary, one needs to calculate boob circumference. 

Areola – Admittedly, this name does sound vaguely feminine, but it’s also a fuckin’ nipple. This is not unlike a stripper named Taint or perhaps Vulva. It just doesn’t quite seem to work. 

Raisin Cox – Oh, I get it. We all get it. Clever word play if you can get past the fact you’re saying your first name is Raisin.  Seriously? Raisin? That’s ridiculous. The potential hotness of a pun about getting guys hard is immediately lost when you liken yourself to shriveled fruit most often associated with the elderly and infirm. Why not call yourself Prune Twat? 

Adelaide – Do you know anyone named Adelaide who isn’t a Victorian era spinster? Of course you don’t. This name is to sexy what vomit is to appetizing. 

Celeste – This one may not seem like it’s all that awful, but it is. Frankly it sounds far too much like Molest and Incest to be acceptable as anything remotely hot. It also sounds vaguely like it could be the brand name of anti-diarrhea medication.  

Ursula - Some guys really dig on the Nordic women; nothing wrong with tall, blonde chicks after all. But Ursula just won’t do, and not just because it seems like it should be the name of some massive, Bavarian milk maid but because of the late, great Phil Hartman who, in a handful of SNL skits, was in drag with lipstick smeared across his face and was heard to remark “My name is Ursula, I want to poke a hole in your head and make love to your skull.” Ever since then, the name Ursula has been ruined.

Astrid – If this name doesn’t come stuck to a shrill librarian whose spine is visible through her flesh it’s a surprise. For a stripper, it’s all long. You’d think a name with “ass” in it would be ok, but the trid on the end take it from hot to reminiscent of skid marks. 

Sweetums - Some strippers try to go for cutesy names like Bunny and so on, and that’s fine if she’s naked and we don’t have to actually say her name out loud or anything, but Sweetums is taking this a bit too far. Not because of the cuteness per se, but mostly because it’s also the name of a giant, hairy muppet. 

Undoubtedly there are countless more names out there that have fallen short of the hotness mark. Alas, I am but one man able to visit only so many clubs. If you have any to add though, feel free.