Up with Melons

Proving once again that nature loves a boner (as was previously proved when nature gave us boners), researchers in Texas have found that watermelons produce an effect similar to that of Viagra, which is the awesomest thing fruit has ever done for us since porn stars made creative use of bananas for our enjoyment.

Watermelon contains something called citrulline, which when consumed in large enough quantities gets turned into something called arginine that can act on the body in a way that helps relax blood vessels, which is pretty much what Viagra does for you. The blood vessels relax, things get stiff, parties start, and senior citizens have awkward, somewhat dry and sticky sex. But the rest of us just get to enjoy a slice of melon and some power humping.

Obviously there’s a difference between a pill that costs an assload of money and a vaguely obscene looking melon, most notably that watermelon wasn’t designed to specifically work on your wang. Not being organ specific, it won’t produce results as powerful as Viagra, but it also is side effect free and less conspicuous if you’re at the BBQ eying the new secretary with a slice in your hand, as opposed to rattling a handful of little, blue pills.

Those who have studied it say the key ingredient is mostly found in the rind of the melon, but there is some in the flesh as well, and it’s most prevalent in yellow watermelons, which pretty much no one eats but may become a lot more popular now that we know they can raise flags on smooth seas. The only major downside is that you need to eat quite a lot of watermelon to get it to work, about 6 cups. Of course that much watermelon will also get you riddled with sugar so you can be hyperactive with a hard on, so how bad could that be? Admittedly, the person to best answer that question would be on the receiving end of that sugar-fueled boner rampage, but for now we can just imagine.

Apparently watermelon may also have other health benefits as a result of this discovery, but much like with Viagra which was originally designed for another person, one has to wonder if anyone actually cares. Once you find out it causes hard ons, does it matter what other possible effects it has? Watermelon could make you speak Swedish and piss rainbows and no one would really care as long as they got an erection along with the deal.

For those looking for a cheaper alternative to Viagra, there really doesn’t seem to be a downside to watermelon, with the possible exceptions that it won’t have as strong an effect and, since watermelon is a diuretic, you’re going to have to put up with running to the bathroom a lot. But if you can withstand that, you may as well make the best of picnics this 4th of July and for the rest of the summer.